Throughout the past year, I have been privlidged by my country to enter in the world of craze and madness. A world where everything seems to glisten, and yet nothing is real. Yes, my friends...I am talking about the one place where only those whom have reached the certain mature age, can venture too...the place which so many of us yearn to be apart of throughout our youth, only (at least for myself) to be let down...each time I return.
Grant it..my experience, limitied. My knowledge, fractured. Never have I cared too much to be someone whom belongs in this lifestyle. Do I venture out? Yes. Do I spread myself out? By no means. I feel as though everytime I enter through the door of these countless places, I encounter the same thing each and everytime; emptyness. As I ponder the spaces around me, I scrutinize various individuals slathering themselves with fluids, and for what? To block out reality? To be an alternate allusive individual?
Sometimes, I wonder what's wrong with me. People tell me that I need to lighten up, to not think too much of these situations posed infront of me, but I can't help it. I can't help but look out into this chaos...and figure out the point. I mean really, does sex, drugs, and alcohol, really make a person feel whole? Let me state again, I am by no means judging those around me...I guess I'm just simply trying to understand the appeal of this industry..What makes it so glamorous? Why always run back for more, and more? What do those get out of it? Peace? Satisfaction? Growth? A sense of self worth? Maybe- I am to neivie. Maybe, I have never given this lifestyle a true chance. But my friends, the thing is, is I just don't see the point. If a person continues to be let down by the visions around them- then why bother placing yourself in these enviorments time and time again.
Grant it- these places are not all like this. If anything, it's the music and the company that keeps me coming back. But the people, the purposes, dispearsed amongst it all...is what keeps me wanting to stay away. Some grow addicted to this fast paced lifestyle, and as I have been in the enviorment, I can see the appeal.
However, being out last night, hit me..and hit me hard. As I looked out at the people below me, I realized this is not where I belong. This is not the life I want to live, time and time again. I don't want to remember my youth, bounded my nights that I cannot remember. I want to remember my life. I want to make memories that mean something to me, that have impacted my life in a profound way. Some may say, maybe my time is up. But really- maybe it is just beginning.
2 comments:
Time and time again, I ask myself whether I am living life to the fullest or if I am limiting life experiences by not having the desire to live "la vida loca." I am only 24 years old but feel confused as to what living the early 20s is all about. Some people will say drinking and partying is a big part of the early, mid, and late 20's...but when I have no desire to party or drink, does that mean I am missing out on what's supposed to be part of my life at my age? I love my friends dearly and will not judge the way they choose to live their lives--yet I tend to be judged because I don't fit in, or should I say because I am not loud, will limit the #of drinks I have, etc. I too want to "make memories that mean something to me..." The search for people who share the same interests/values and can accept me the way I am continues. I guess I am outside the stereotype label society tends to put on our age group--but how boring would this world be if we all did the same things!
ps: Great blog!!!
Well ladies as a 35 year old woman I can tell you that there are friends out there who will respect your choices and not make you feel like an outcast. I started bar tending at age 21 and as a matter of fact it was my 21st birthday that I got fired from grand central coffee station for not fitting into their family and hired at the Uptown Tavern the same day. Since I bar tended for 5 years all I did was work, drink, and sleep. When I changed my profession my drinking changed along with it and for many years now as I do still occasionally have a drink I make sure to surround myself with friends who do not feel the need to pressure me to drink more than I want to, if at all. I have a very strict rule about drinking and driving and if I even have a sip of alcohol I will not drive any car. My friends know this and they accommodate and respect how passionate I feel about the subject. I guess what I am trying to say is there is no set way to be in your 20's because even though it may seem like everyone is doing the same thing, there is more going on outside the bar that they don't talk about. Everyone just wants to fit in and this need never goes away so you just have to find a place that fits who you are and surround yourself with true friends who never want to make you feel uncomfortable, awkward, or bad. Forget stereotypes and start a new trend called being yourself and you will find out that you have some potential followers, who like you, are looking for like-minded individuals.
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